Today was rough. We started our day with a healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs with onions and bell peppers, avocado, and blueberries. We had a 10:30 reservation for a Penguin Encounter at the Shedd Aquarium, which my husband had gotten me as a Christmas present, and I hadn’t exactly kept my eye out on the time. As a result, we had to walk extremely fast to make it. I felt sick. I felt tired. I felt like I was going to faint. But I also couldn’t wait to meet the penguins so I powered through. The penguin experience was amazing. We met an 8-year-old named Sparrow, when I petted her, I was surprised to find that she was so soft. Then, we watched a dolphin show and looked around the aquarium for a little bit. I could smell popcorn in the air. It’s funny how I don’t think about foods when they’re not there, but when they’re in my sight, I think about how much I want it. We have a ton of beer left over from a party we threw last week. Every time I open the fridge, I badly want one. But if I don’t see it, I don’t think about it.

We came home for a late lunch and pulled out the leftover slaw from the fridge, put together a simple salad, and cooked some frozen salmon. I was hoping I would feel better after the meal. But no. I still felt tired. I needed to work out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I spent the rest of the afternoon meal planning for the week, while my husband put away our Christmas tree and ornaments. On our walk to Trader Joe’s, we had a serious conversation about whether to continue the Whole30 or not. Some things feel silly: how restrictive it is, the removal of legumes, the need to avoid replicating your favorite dishes with Whole30-compliant ingredients. We stepped into Trader Joe’s and removed our gloves. “What should we do?” I asked. “You’re completely neutral?” my husband asked. “Yeah,” I answered. “We have our ski trip coming up; Is it really worth it to skip out on the hot chocolate or beer after a long day of skiing?” I continued. After debating back and forth like this for about five minutes at the entrance, we finally decided that we would buy the ingredients we had planned on and see how we felt at the end of the week.

Dinner was fun to make. I made the Shepard’s Pie out of the Whole30 book, and it was so good. Absolutely delicious. The sweet potatoes on top balanced perfectly with the savory meat and vegetable layer underneath. Every cell in my brain was lighting up with satisfaction. For a second, I thought this meal was all I needed to recover from my misery. Ten minutes after dinner, I felt tired and helpless again.

I haven’t been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times to go to the bathroom like I usual do. My wedding ring slips on and off a little bit easier. I feel less irritated than I was feeling a few days ago, but I can’t tell if I’m just too tired to care about the little things. In some ways, it feels like the KonMari Method – once you tidy up your home, or in this case, once you clean up your eating habits and reset your body, the rest of your life falls in place. Many claim it’s life-changing, but it doesn’t have scientific evidence.

Tomorrow will be a better day.