IVF Part 2

April 11, 2022 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I came home from my egg retrieval, and when I was finally well enough to scroll through Instagram, I came across a post by an old friend. He and his wife had just had their second embryo transfer. His wife had poured her heart out about their fertility journey, describing how they had never imagined they’d find themselves going through this journey, how they had lost their pregnancy last year, and how she had taken half a year off of work to relax and “get [herself] back.” I couldn’t stop crying for hours. I couldn’t imagine the pain of losing your baby, and I had also felt many of the emotions she described when I first went through fertility treatment three years ago. I later messaged both of them to offer support and to share that I myself was going through this journey again.

Three years ago, I did four or five rounds of IUI, and one round of IVF. We only ended up with one genetically viable embryo, so we began a second IVF cycle. At that point, it wasn’t uncommon for me to break down at work in front of my boss, who said all the wrong things at first but became one of my closest and trusted supporters throughout the process. I was also exhausted from the number of appointments and blood draws, especially considering the drive between my clinic in downtown Chicago and work in the suburbs could take anywhere from forty minutes to two hours. One day, likely from all of the stress, I lost hearing in one ear. I was desperate to get my hearing back, and gladly took the prescribed steroids. I must have mentioned this to one of my fertility nurses, because one Saturday morning, my fertility doctor called me, a little bit furious, and told me that I needed to stop the steroids and IVF cycle right away. I was heartbroken. I had invested so much, emotionally, and physically, and now I had to throw it all away. We agreed to take a break, and then restart with my next period.

So I took a break. We went on a little trip to a Michigan football game which of course came with multiple tailgates. I went to a couple of wine-tastings with ex-colleagues and took advantage of free company booze. I went to a birthday party for a Mexican friend with delicious palomas and home-made soup. That month, my period never came. Ten months later, my beautiful daughter was born.

After trying and failing for a second child, we started fertility treatment again. I told the doctor I was in a different place than I was three years ago. “If IVF goes well, great, and if not, we already have a perfect daughter.” What we didn’t know was that it would be hard this time around too; that our first IVF cycle would again only yield one good embryo, and that our first frozen embryo transfer wouldn’t be successful. We had believed for the past three years that this embryo would become our second child. But we lost our little boy in what seemed like an instant.

The fertility journey can be full of grief. You may have a miscarriage; you may have to terminate an ectopic pregnancy, your embryo may not implant, your eggs may not fertilize, your eggs may not mature, you may not have any eggs left… Grief during fertility treatment is over what could have been. Our little boy can only be buried in the grave in our hearts.

There’s also guilt – the guilt of not being able to give my daughter a sibling, of having walked my dog and taken my daughter to the beach and vacuumed the house instead of sitting still after my embryo transfer, of not having stopped breastfeeding earlier and started IVF earlier this time around, of not having been mature and stable enough to have had kids when we were younger.

We have our next appointment tomorrow to discuss next steps. Our future family might look like many different things. But for now, we’re going to hang onto hope and try again.

Mother’s Day Going Through Infertility

May 13, 2019April 11, 2022 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My birthday fell on a Friday this year, so I decided to do something nice for myself and gathered a group of friends to go hiking on Saturday. I had a blast and was reminded of the wonderful friends I was surrounded by. I woke up the next morning to see if anybody had liked my Instagram photos, but instead, I got distracted by post after post about Mother’s Day. Many of my friends were celebrating their first Mother’s Day as moms, and I was reminded of the harsh reality that I was not a mother, nor was I certain that I could be by this time next year, or ever. I’m usually prepared to see baby bump posts and baby announcements on social media and can feel genuinely happy for everybody, but these Mother’s Day posts caught me completely off guard.

My husband and I called his mother to wish her a Happy Mother’s Day. We chatted for a bit about the dogs and the new restaurant we had checked out and what my father in law was going to cook for dinner. After we hung up, I felt a cloud of guilt form over my head. I hadn’t spoken to my mother in a few months. I hadn’t responded to her happy birthday text, and I had no intention of acknowledging Mother’s Day to her. My mother and I have always had a complicated relationship. A few months ago when I first started fertility treatment, I found it extremely difficult to go through and called her, hoping that she’d be supportive, as one would expect her own mother to be. But instead, her words were, “You don’t know how to handle challenges in life because you were given all the education and everything you ever wanted.” Not exactly what I wanted to hear when I just wanted someone to listen to me as I poured my heart out about how hard fertility treatment was. I go through periods in life when I stop talking to my mother – usually times when I want to focus on something and don’t want to be distracted by my mother’s irrational nonsense. I decided that now was also a time when I didn’t have space for any negativity in my life, so I cut her out.

But I responded to her “Happy birthday” with “Happy Mother’s Day.” And then I felt guilty that I had done this through guilt rather than from the bottom of my heart, so I called her. The majority of the time when I call her, she talks about herself and doesn’t ask a single question about how I am doing, and that’s exactly what happened. She went on about her dilemma on whether to move back to my hometown with my father or to persevere the emotional and financial challenges of long distance until she finished college which she had started at the age of sixty. At the end of what felt like forever, I said, “I’m going to hang up now,” and perhaps she got the hint, because she then asked me how I was. I told her that things were hard, and that I felt like dying on some days. That I had had complications – bleeding and pain – during my last IUI on Thursday. That after this round, I was going onto IVF. Instead of criticizing me, she simply asked me more questions and listened and told me that I was still young and things could work out. I usually hate it when people tell me that things will work out, but it felt different coming from my mother.

Fortunately, my husband has assured me that even if we eventually couldn’t get pregnant, we would still have a happy life with just the two of us. And I have more than a few special people who are there for me. I remembered that last summer, in one of our business school email chains, a friend had mentioned that she was expecting a baby boy and was also “on a one-woman campaign to destigmatize fertility” and open to discussing anytime. I reached out to her, and she has been more than helpful walking me through her experiences and listening to me as I went through my own. One friend who went through egg-freezing last year offered to teach me how to use needles. We used an empty syringe and practiced on bananas until I felt comfortable. A gay friend and his husband just got pregnant with a surrogate, and he has kindly reminded me that not everybody was going to understand what I was going through and gave me some advice on keeping my fertility updates to a small group of understanding friends.

I go through ups and downs. Some days I’m cheery and goofy, and other days I feel like I don’t want to converse with anybody. It’s hard to understand what it’s like to be going through infertility unless you’ve been through it. I definitely didn’t understand until I started going through it myself. I don’t know if I’m going to be able to celebrate next Mother’s Day as a mom or not. But I’m going to celebrate this day to appreciate not only all of the moms and the soon-to-be-moms out there, but also the wonderful women trying to become moms.

Until Next Time, Whole30

January 16, 2018January 16, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

My nine-day streak on the Whole30 ended last Friday. Late in the morning, my husband cooked all of the leftover vegetables in the fridge and scrambled it with some eggs, which we scarfed down before heading to the O’hare International Airport. We were on our way to Breckenridge for a weekend of skiing, and with the layover in Cedar Rapids, we knew we wouldn’t be able to eat until we landed in Denver. Once we got to Cedar Rapids, we looked around for some food, but all we could find was a sports bar with drinks and apps. Luckily, we had anticipated this and packed dried apricots and cranberries. The cranberries were far too sour to eat on their own, so we stuck to the apricots. I only intended to have a few pieces so that I can manage my hunger until we arrived at our destination, but my husband has a habit of not being able to stop eating until the whole bag is gone. I was influenced by him, and had nearly half of the bag myself. We later regretted this when our stomachs ached from too much fiber. We were still Whole30-compliant. So far so good.

Once we arrived in Denver we rented our car, I asked my husband to figure out where the closest healthy restaurant was. We found a Tru Food in Denver, so we started driving there. I knew that most of the food on the menu were not Whole30-compliant. I knew that there was the option of telling the waiter to make our food simple, without any sugar, without any soy. But we couldn’t justify paying what we were paying to eat plain food, and it felt silly to walk into a restaurant to make all of these extra requests. Plus, we were on vacation. We gave in, and ordered the edamame dumplings and albacore tataki to share, and the Moroccan chicken for him and Pad Thai for me. The meal was delicious, and we had no regrets about breaking the Whole30.

Breakfast the next day was Rxbars which we had packed plenty of. We both took lessons, but since it was my husband’s first time skiing, we were in different classes. The chili I had for lunch was the perfect meal to warm me up after a morning of skiing. I couldn’t help but notice the beans, the cheese, the sour cream, the bread… and for a second I was afraid that my body wouldn’t accept all of these ingredients that had become foreign over the last couple of weeks. But I was completely fine and continued to ski well the rest of the afternoon. That night, my husband and I went to a local sports bar and indulged in local beers, chicken wings, and pizza. Again, I didn’t intend on finishing the pizza, but with my husband eating so fast and so much, I felt peer pressured into eating more pieces than I was comfortable with. Breakfast and lunch the next day were the same, and at dinner, we again checked out some other bars for beers, burgers, and macaroni and cheese. Monday was our last day of skiing, and since we had to drive two hours back to the airport, we skied for half a day. Mid-morning, I turned over to my husband as we were sitting together on the ski lift and said, “My body is so cold. I really need to go in after this run.” “I’m so glad you said that because I was feeling the same way,” he said. My body was craving something warm and sweet. We had hot chocolate with a generous handful of marshmallows, and I had a big chocolate croissant. It was exactly what my body needed after depleting all of my energy in the cold. We went back out and skied for another couple hours before returning our ski rentals and driving to the airport. Before going through security, we ate at Panda Express – something I hadn’t eaten in a few years. My body felt fine throughout the weekend – no bloating, no gas, no aches, no abnormalities, which made me realize that perhaps I’m not actually lactose intolerant at all.

We arrived at home past midnight, and since we had eaten dinner at 4pm we were quite hungry. Instead of heading to the food pantry to see what biscuits and crackers I could find, I found myself opening the refrigerator to see what vegetables we had left. I found one egg, some leftover spinach, and a couple of tomatoes. I cooked the spinach and eggs in some olive oil, and sliced up the tomatoes. It took all of five minutes to prepare. Before going on the Whole30, I wouldn’t have even thought about cooking after such a long day. But now, it felt effortless. The program has no doubt changed my behavior towards food and cooking.

I would like to complete the entire Whole30 program one day. But with a holiday party coming up this weekend and a couple of ski trips left this season, I’m not sure it’s worth it to start again now. But I did meal plan this week using the Whole30 book and Whole30 cookbook. I’ll probably start eating rice and beans and wheat and yogurt again, but I will try to eat as whole as possible, staying away from packaged and processed foods. The program made me realize how little protein I was getting, so I’ve become a lot more conscious about that. Come to think of it, I didn’t have a single dizzy spell since I started the diet – something I have been getting quite frequently over the past year. I’m thankful for what I learned through the Whole30, and am excited to continue eating and cooking Whole30!

Whole30 Day 8

January 11, 2018January 11, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

Today was another rainy day, so I headed downstairs to run on the treadmill. Mile one was a breeze. Mile two was easy. And mile three was so much fun. I got all sweaty and felt like I was on top of the world! I’m sure it was the banana I had eaten beforehand. Well, maybe it was something more than that. After finishing NPR’s Up First and New York Times’ The Daily, I listened to a Tim Ferriss Show episode with Bozoma Saint John, the Chief Brand Officer at Uber. I always read about her in the news and follower her on Instagram, but I didn’t know what she sounded like when she talked. I used to listen to the Tim Ferriss Show quite regularly. Last spring, I picked up his book Tools of Titans, and halfway through, I started feeling overwhelmed with all of the things I had to do to become successful. I put the book down, and gave myself a break from his podcast. I received so much positivity listening to Boz. She was so energetic and positive. It was fascinating to hear about her move from Ghana to Colorado, and her “very Ghanaian” father’s reaction when she lost the student council elections – twice. Tim Ferriss’s podcasts are long; this one was two hours, so I only got halfway through, and I couldn’t wait to finish listening to it later.

I had an extremely productive morning. I was super focused as I did some strategic thinking work. Close to noon, my husband walked in to give me a kiss. After saying hi, I walked into the kitchen, made myself some green tea, and ate a handful of blueberries. It’s funny – if he hadn’t walked in, I would have continued to focus on work and not think about food. An hour later, we heated up last night’s stuffed peppers and sweet potato soup. I thought I would hit the usual afternoon slump after this filling meal, but no, I kept on staying focused! I was impressed with how productive I was.

In the afternoon, my husband and I took a break to go see the Soviet art exhibit at the Art Institute of Chicago. We have a membership there, so we often pop in an out. We rushed home so that I could catch my next conference call, only to find out the minute before the scheduled start time that it was getting cancelled. I didn’t mind getting an hour back to get some work done. But before that, the rest of Boz’s interview. I got so motivated as she talked about her career, and was so touched by the story of how she met her husband and her relationship with him before he passed away. She was so confident, so powerful, so positive, so thoughtful. She gave me so much energy!

I got back to work, and was quite focused for a couple of hours. “Were you going to make the leftover squash and kale tonight?” I shouted from my office. “Yes, I’ll start cooking now,” my husband said. I continued running numbers and typing away on my laptop until he said, “It’ll be about fifteen more minutes.” That was my que. I worked on making tuna boats, which took more or less fifteen minutes. Using avocado as a replacement for mayo was brilliant. It tasted so good!

We are now all packed up for the weekend. We’ll be heading to Breckenridge tomorrow night for a long weekend of skiing. It’s his first time, so I’m excited to see how he does! When I taught him tennis for the first time this summer, I was pleasantly surprised with how good he was. He didn’t hit baseball-like home runs like beginners usually do. His strokes were clean and strong, and his footwork was precise. Maybe it’s because he’s a good soccer player. Or maybe he’s just a fast learner. Anyway, I’m hopeful!

Whole30 Day 7

January 10, 2018January 10, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This morning, I could not get out of bed. The alarm went off at 7am, and I just could not bring myself to do it. It took an hour for me to finally open my eyes and wake up – to a sore throat and heavy body. Concerned it was a sign of the beginning of a cold, I loaded my body up with vitamin C: freshly squeezed lemon water and lots of fruits.

My tiredness lingered on the rest of the morning, and I was clearly cranky. I lay down next to my husband who was also working from home, and tears started streaming out of my eyes. I was stressing out about my career again. He listened to me and walked me through my thoughts, and helped me feel a little bit better. When I was done, I blurted out “I sort of want Rice Krispies.” I don’t think I’ve eaten or even thought about them in a couple of decades, so I’m not even sure why this came to me at this time.

I had a big lunch, because I was extremely hungry. Lunch was a little bit of everything: leftover grilled coconut-curry chicken, scrambled eggs, mashed potatoes, and salad. Since I couldn’t work out in the morning, I had planned to work out in the afternoon. I could run outside where it was finally above zero but wet from the previous night’s rain, run inside on the dreaded treadmill, or do leg exercises. When the afternoon came, my body still felt tired and my mind foggy. One thing the Whole30 is making me better at is listening to my body. It was begging me for a day off. Once I made a decision to make today my “rest” day, I felt a huge weight come off of my shoulders.

I continued to feel a little bit off throughout the rest of the day. It was probably due to this low-carb diet, but it also might have had to do with the weather. It was dark and gray and gloomy outside. The one upside was that I was able to get more research and reading done than other days, so perhaps it was just that kind of day. Mid-afternoon, I grabbed a snack of a couple oranges and some nuts. Snacking is a habit, not necessarily a necessity.

For dinner, we cooked stuffed peppers and sweet potato soup. I could have roasted the peppers, which my husband described as “warm raw peppers,” a little bit longer. But the delicious stuffing more than made up for it. My husband made sweet potato soup, which I may have had a little too much of. Like that time I grabbed one too many walnuts and forced myself to finish the handful, I took too much soup and felt like I had to finish it. Again, the recipes in the Whole30 never disappoint.

A week has gone by since starting the Whole30. I definitely feel less bloated than before, and my nails, which have been breaking every other day from the cold and dry weather, have gotten stronger. But my mood is still very much up and down, and I still have to reenergize with an afternoon snack. The things I miss most are beer and wine. It’s funny that I don’t miss cocktails at all, since that’s what I’ve been more into recently. The key to not craving non-compliant carbs or snacks has been “out of sight, out of mind.” As long as I don’t see it, I don’t miss it. I definitely appreciate my husband going on this diet with me. Cooking together everyday and discovering new recipes has been fun and exciting, and it’s nice to be in it together. My husband and I both travel quite frequently for work, so I’m worried about how we’ll hold up once that picks up again and we’re eating more meals out and at airports, with coworkers instead of each other. So far, the Whole30 has been good. They say that the hardest days are still ahead. “This is not hard. This is not hard.”

Whole30 Day 6

January 9, 2018January 9, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I tossed and turned and stared into the darkness, until I finally gave into picking up my phone to scroll through Instagram and health blogs and read more about the Whole30. I know you’re not supposed to use your phone in bed, but I had nothing else to do and it was the only thing within reach. I could already see that waking up was going to be rough.

This morning, I was surprised how easily I got out of bed. I’m far from a morning person; I have trouble falling asleep at times, but I never have trouble sleeping in. I quickly stepped into my workout clothes and headed downstairs to do some abs. Abs are my favorite. One of the reasons I am doing this diet is to see if I can uncover my six pack. I lied on my mat to start my first set of toe lifts, and my stomach growled. I immediately regretted not grabbing that banana before walking out. My next exercise, I couldn’t complete all 24 reps in one go, and had to take brief break in-between. Pitiful. “Next time, I’ll remember to eat something before I work out,” I told myself.

Breakfast was again scrambled eggs with pre-cut vegetables and a side of berries, along with half of that banana I didn’t eat this morning. As much as I want to experiment with different style breakfasts, I feel like I’ve got a rhythm going. At around eleven, I started feeling hungry again, so I ate half of the Whole30-compliant protein bar I bought yesterday. I still didn’t feel fulfilled so I had two satsuma oranges. Yum. I guess my body was really craving sugar. Not sure if it had anything to do with my office feeling chilly today. Either way the snack made me feel significantly better.

Lunch was leftover kale, squash, portabella mushrooms, onions, and ground turkey. I never ate this much protein before going on the Whole30, but now my body expects some kind of protein at every meal. It’s hard to say whether I had a productive afternoon or not. I tackled a lot of work, but when it came to creative brainstorming I struggled a bit. I took mini breaks, reading cookbooks and running a quick errand, hoping to get my attention back on track, but nothing seemed to work.

After my husband came home, we cooked dinner together. Tonight’s menu was grilled coconut-curry chicken and cauliflower fried rice. I pulsed the cauliflower in the food processor, skeptical. Being a rice lover, I couldn’t imagine how in the world one could make this white vegetable taste like fried rice. I tasted my first bite. Strange, but not too bad. Tasty, even. My husband took care of the coconut sauce for the chicken. We had never heard of getting coconut cream by sticking coconut milk into the fridge, so we were positively surprised to open up a refrigerated can and find the cream had formed and risen to the top. I noticed that my husband was a little bit hangry. I was hungry too, and any other day I would have been hangry with him, but I managed to keep my cool. Thinking back, I’m not sure if this was because the Whole30 was affecting my mental health in miraculous ways, or I was too tired to care.

We plated the two dishes onto our plates. My husband got the big piece of chicken, and I the little one. We dug in. The chicken was so tasty, especially with this coconut curry sauce, my new favorite. “Oh no, mine is not cooked all the way through,” my husband said. “Oh no, it’s getting late so we should cut it up into pieces and cook it some more,” I said. I offered to share my piece while we waited for his to get done, but he insisted I keep eating. “Okay,” I said, without pushing back. I couldn’t stop eating this chicken! And the cauliflower fried rice was a perfect combination.

Throughout the day my mood was positive and stable. But looking back, it’s clear that I was lacking in energy. Maybe the lack of carbs is hitting me. Or maybe it’s just my lack of sleep. I’m planning to watch an episode of “This is Us,” read a bit more of my Pachinko book, and go to bed early.

Whole30 Day 5

January 8, 2018January 9, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

A few days ago when I had my low-energy day, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw a very pale face. This morning, my face was glowing. I take care of myself and am pretty obsessive about skin care to begin with, but my skin is getting visibly better. Could it be that I’m feeling more positive and therefore have more self-esteem? Maybe, but I do truly believe that what I’m putting into my body has everything to do with it. I started my morning with an arms workout from the Kayla Itsines app. Even though arms are my least favorite and I didn’t eat a snack beforehand, I felt good throughout my training. I listened to my usual NPR Up First, New York Times The Daily, Marketplace Morning Report, and an NPR Planet Money episode on Bitcoin. Yes, I missed out on it. I had told best friend how crazy she was for investing in it, and now, I’m feeling the pain. Once back home, I grabbled the already chopped up vegetables from the fridge and scrambled some eggs with it. And of course, I couldn’t forget the berries.

Work was fairly busy but I didn’t once feel like I wasn’t going to be able to tackle everything. Lunch was leftover vegetables with roasted red pepper sauce and a piece of salmon. I love the frozen fish fillets from Whole Foods. They are individually vacuum packed so they’re quick and easy to use. I usually put one in the microwave for a minute, then transfer it to a skillet and cook for a few minutes on each side.

In the afternoon, I had a rather unpleasant work call with two other teammates. I immediately noticed that one was in a bad mood, sensing from how he defensively responded to the other guy on the call. Once it became clear that I was agreeing with this other guy, he started attacking me too. It wasn’t common for him to be acting this way; he’s usually a nice and relaxed guy. Any other day, I would have taken this personally. I would have played it cool while secretly hurting inside. But today, I was able to distance myself and recognize that he was having a bad day, and remained calm and collected.

After the call, my husband and I made a quick trip to Whole Foods to stock up on frozen fish and some fruit. As we were checking out, I saw protein bars from RXBAR. I had seen these before, but never bothered to pick one up. I turned it around to look at the ingredients – Whole30 compliant! We ended up buying a couple – mixed berry and blueberry – and split one as soon as we got home. Not too bad.

My husband cooked dinner tonight. He made cute little sliders made of sweet potato, eggplant, and portabella mushroom buns. What a creative replacement for the pretzel buns we usually like. We layered small beef patties with slices of avocados and tomatoes. So good. More than anything they were fun to look at.

Eating a Whole30 diet doesn’t feel hard. When a Tastemade video for a butternut squash gratin made from heavy cream and various cheeses pops onto my Facebook feed, or when I see a sign in our building elevator about a hot chocolate party, of course I think about it, and for a second, want it. But as long as these foods are out of my sight, I don’t have any desire to eat outside the Whole30 diet. I also feel good mentally. I feel like I’m getting stronger inside and can tolerate uncomfortable situations with more ease. I am hopeful that the Whole30 will change me in a positive way, both inside and out.

Whole30 Day 4

January 7, 2018January 9, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

This morning started with waking up to my husband already dressed in workout clothes, a banana for some energy, and a trip downstairs to the gym. I knew that if I didn’t work out in the morning, I would be too tired to later in the day – the main reason I always exercise early in the day. I scrolled through my phone to choose my podcast of the day – Bulletproof featuring Gabrielle Bernstein. For the past few months, I’ve been using the Kayla Itsines “Sweat” workout app. It’s been a game changer. I’ve always been a runner, so I’ve never struggled with cardio, but I’ve always hated lifting weights and doing any strength training. As my wedding was approaching late last year, I knew I wanted to tone up my arms. I remembered a few friends telling me about the BBG program, and what better time to do this than before my wedding? I invested in a three-month subscription. Surprisingly, I stuck to it. The app has a meal plan, a gallery to upload photos of yourself to track your progress, and a workout menu. Before the Whole30 I liked to eat what I wanted, and I am not millennial enough to take selfies and other photos of myself, so I’ve only used it for the workouts. The workouts are divided up into “resistance” which consists of 30-minute interval trainings for legs, arms, and abs that get harder every week, “cardio” where you record any cardio workouts, and “recovery” which includes various stretching exercises for different parts of your body. I love the trainings in “resistance.” It’s super easy to follow. In any given week, I usually don’t get to all three. Before my wedding, I prioritized abs and arms. Now I focus on abs and legs with ski season coming up. Today I did legs. I have been doing this program for over half a year now, and I can definitely see changes in my body. And more importantly, I feel stronger.

After my workout my husband cooked me scrambled eggs. He first made the jalapenos, bell peppers, and tomatoes. Then, in a separate pan, he cooked some chicken with “Acapulco Gold” seasoning. “Hmm it smells sweet. Are you sure this spice is Whole30-compliant?” I asked. “Yes, it’s fine,” he said grabbing the spice to read the ingredients list. His face slowly changed, from slightly irritated to concerned. “It has brown sugar in it.” It’s surprising how many foods and condiments have sugar in it. All of the bacon we saw yesterday at Trader Joe’s also had sugar. Not wanting to waste the perfectly good pieces of chicken, my husband assured me, “Don’t worry, I’ll eat it. I’ll make yours without the chicken.” The scrambled eggs were delicious, and we also ate a side of blueberries and raspberries. It was a perfect meal after an intense workout.

While still in my workout clothes, I vacuumed and mopped the floors while my husband washed the dishes and wiped down the kitchen counters. I was surprised at how energized I felt. This was a huge change from yesterday when I couldn’t do much of anything. Lunch was leftover Shepard’s Pie from last night, and salad greens topped with leftover roasted red pepper sauce. I can’t get over how much I love the Shepard’s Pie. And I absolutely love the roasted red pepper sauce. The meal was delightful, and I continued to go about my day feeling pretty good.

At a little before 3pm I started thinking about making myself a snack. For about an hour, I debated whether to make mashed potatoes or not. We had just gotten ghee last night for the Shepard’s Pie, so we had the ingredients, and it was simple to make. But should I just wait until dinner? Just then, I noticed my husband taking out a handful of cashews from the food pantry. “I was going to make mashed potatoes. Interested?” I asked. “Yeah, I’ll have some,” he said. The mashed potatoes were a success. It’s funny – I never appreciated potatoes before going on the Whole30. I always thought they were too filling, bland, and just plain mushy. If there were potatoes on my plate, I would often take a bite and leave the rest. But now, I appreciate how they taste and how full they make you feel.

Dinner again was fun to make. We cooked the classic chili and the broccoli, mushrooms, and yellow squash with red pepper sauce, both straight out of the Whole30 book. The first bite of chili was strange. The lack of beans sent a signal to my brain that something wasn’t right. But after a couple of bites, my taste buds took over and my brain finally understood that it was actually really good. I even had seconds. The recipes in the book have been impressive so far, and there hasn’t been a single one we don’t like.

Today was a good day. I felt good. I felt clear. I did however feel extremely thirsty throughout and still do. I’m assuming this is because of the low-carb diet.

The Whole30 is reminding me to be mindful of not only my food but also my thoughts. Getting ready in the morning: “I’m too lazy to wear makeup today. It’s too cold out and we’ll probably stay in all day anyway. Wait, I do it when I go out with my friends or have a business meeting. But isn’t my husband the one I want to impress most?” Relaxing on the couch this afternoon: “I should really continue to read my book right now. But I want to catch up on all of my favorite blogs. What do I truly feel like doing right now? Read the blogs! It’s Sunday; do what you want!” Preparing dinner in the evening: “He just spilled water on the floor. And there’s an onion on the floor again. Do I point this out and irritate him, or does this not really matter? No, it really doesn’t matter.” I’m having rational conversations with myself in my head, and it’s helping me get closer to the version of myself I want to be. I’m excited to see where this journey takes me.

Whole30 Day 3

January 6, 2018January 9, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 1 Comment

Today was rough. We started our day with a healthy breakfast of scrambled eggs with onions and bell peppers, avocado, and blueberries. We had a 10:30 reservation for a Penguin Encounter at the Shedd Aquarium, which my husband had gotten me as a Christmas present, and I hadn’t exactly kept my eye out on the time. As a result, we had to walk extremely fast to make it. I felt sick. I felt tired. I felt like I was going to faint. But I also couldn’t wait to meet the penguins so I powered through. The penguin experience was amazing. We met an 8-year-old named Sparrow, when I petted her, I was surprised to find that she was so soft. Then, we watched a dolphin show and looked around the aquarium for a little bit. I could smell popcorn in the air. It’s funny how I don’t think about foods when they’re not there, but when they’re in my sight, I think about how much I want it. We have a ton of beer left over from a party we threw last week. Every time I open the fridge, I badly want one. But if I don’t see it, I don’t think about it.

We came home for a late lunch and pulled out the leftover slaw from the fridge, put together a simple salad, and cooked some frozen salmon. I was hoping I would feel better after the meal. But no. I still felt tired. I needed to work out, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. Instead, I spent the rest of the afternoon meal planning for the week, while my husband put away our Christmas tree and ornaments. On our walk to Trader Joe’s, we had a serious conversation about whether to continue the Whole30 or not. Some things feel silly: how restrictive it is, the removal of legumes, the need to avoid replicating your favorite dishes with Whole30-compliant ingredients. We stepped into Trader Joe’s and removed our gloves. “What should we do?” I asked. “You’re completely neutral?” my husband asked. “Yeah,” I answered. “We have our ski trip coming up; Is it really worth it to skip out on the hot chocolate or beer after a long day of skiing?” I continued. After debating back and forth like this for about five minutes at the entrance, we finally decided that we would buy the ingredients we had planned on and see how we felt at the end of the week.

Dinner was fun to make. I made the Shepard’s Pie out of the Whole30 book, and it was so good. Absolutely delicious. The sweet potatoes on top balanced perfectly with the savory meat and vegetable layer underneath. Every cell in my brain was lighting up with satisfaction. For a second, I thought this meal was all I needed to recover from my misery. Ten minutes after dinner, I felt tired and helpless again.

I haven’t been waking up in the middle of the night multiple times to go to the bathroom like I usual do. My wedding ring slips on and off a little bit easier. I feel less irritated than I was feeling a few days ago, but I can’t tell if I’m just too tired to care about the little things. In some ways, it feels like the KonMari Method – once you tidy up your home, or in this case, once you clean up your eating habits and reset your body, the rest of your life falls in place. Many claim it’s life-changing, but it doesn’t have scientific evidence.

Tomorrow will be a better day.

Whole30 Day 2

January 5, 2018January 9, 2018 by spoonfulofjun ♥ 0 Leave a Comment

I had no problem waking up this morning, unlike yesterday when my body felt heavy and tired even after seven hours of sleep. Since the Whole30 program encourages you to eat before your work out, I opened up the fridge and took out my leftover half avocado. I looked at it. I put it back. I grabbed a handful of fresh blueberries and popped them in my mouth. I then went downstairs to the gym and started running on the treadmill – a light nine minutes a mile. I love to run, but not inside. At about mile 0.2 miles, I began thinking, “maybe I’ll quit now and do leg workouts instead.” But I persisted. 0.5 miles; finally half a mile. The numbers on the machine moved ever so slowly. At 0.82 miles I thought, “So close to a full mile. But then I’m only a third of the way to completing my workout.” I began to debate on whether to switch to something else at 1.5 miles. But I persisted. I looked outside at the bare trees and blue skies. I focused on my podcast. I was finished with my usual NPR’s Up First and New York Times’ The Daily, and I should have listened to my usual Marketplace Morning Report, but I allowed myself to enjoy a “fun” one, So Money with Farnoosh Torabi. Once I got past 2 miles, I began to see the light at the end of the tunnel. A man who looked to be about my age took the treadmill next to me. I started to feel like he was competing with me. I couldn’t lose. I had to keep going. Unable to keep up with me, he had to stop for a quick break. Ha. But me? I persisted.

After my workout, I cooked a scrambled egg with different colored peppers, cut up half of an apple, and grabbed another handful of blueberries. I knew I should be having more protein, but my body wanted fruits, so I let it have what it wanted. Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day. There’s so much to choose from – eggs in all shapes and forms, waffles, bagels, French toast. And brunch. I love Sunday brunch. It’s a time to eat what you want, and spend time with good friends over coffee and mimosas. As I write this I realize that I need to stay away from many of these foods through my Whole30 diet. But I’ll survive. Too bad we can’t use our new amazing Balmuda toaster for a while.

Work started off fine. I’m usually less stressed out, well, maybe half checked out, on Fridays since the weekend is so close. When lunch came around, I pulled out leftovers from last night’s dinner, and added half an avocado and a banana to my meal. This time, I actually wanted my banana. I wasn’t quite full and contemplated taking out a piece of frozen salmon from the freezer, but it seemed like too much work.

Just before 4 o’clock in the afternoon, I hopped off my last work call of the day, and wandered into the kitchen. I opened up the food pantry. “I don’t open this as much anymore,” I thought to myself. Now, trips to the fridge were more frequent, as opposed to those times when I would grab cookies or crackers from the food pantry. I took out a bag of walnuts and cashews and put a few pieces into a small bowl. Halfway through eating them, I felt full, but I felt like I had to finish them because I had taken them out. Next time, I’ll take out fewer pieces.

For dinner, my husband and I made the day 2 meal from the 7-day meal plan in the Whole30 book. While we roasted a potato and a sweet potato in the oven, we made our red pepper mayonnaise and green cabbage slaw. The red pepper mayonnaise is a combination of roasted red pepper sauce and basic mayonnaise. The former turned out fine, but the latter didn’t quite turn into mayo and looked more like goo. We weren’t sure what to do with this combined sauce since it didn’t really say in the book, so we put in on our slaw, which turned out to be quite tasty. The chicken turned out fine as well.

I was in a great mood today. I felt happy. I felt positive. I felt stable. I felt calm. Was it because I worked out this morning? Was it because I got some good sunlight walking to the store? Was it because of my Whole30 diet? Or was it because it was Friday!? It could have been any of these things, if not a combination. But I suspect the last one is most likely.

I’m looking forward to planning and prepping our meals this weekend. My husband ended up not eating much throughout the day and just eating nuts at the office for lunch. Hopefully, next week, we’ll have food prepared and ready to go, and he won’t forget to bring it in.

Have a good weekend.